It Isn’t What You Think It Is
I’ve made many mistakes. My biggest mistake wasn’t my previous marriage. Although, that was pretty much a doozy of a mistake. The signs of failure were all around me before I said, “I do,” but I didn’t listen. It cost me.
But still, it wasn’t my biggest mistake.
The biggest mistake of my life was not asking for help.
The pattern began early in childhood. It continued in my 20s and strengthened throughout my 30s and 40s.
You see, I was taught, both consciously and subconsciously, to take care of myself. To be responsible and not make a fuss. The message I heard as a young girl: figure it out yourself.
I grew up in a large family. That meant attention from adults was spread thin. I became, at a very early age, quite self-reliant.
Clearly, asking for help in my family wasn’t encouraged.
What It Cost Me
Opportunities
The year I turned 50 was also the year mortgage lending, along with my company, went bust. I was depressed, humiliated, and bordering on brokenness.
I tentatively asked around, but no one knew the truth: I needed help. Money had been siphoning out, and it was running low.
I kept up my facade that all was ok when it wasn’t. Far from it.
If only I had talked honestly to a few people, I see in retrospect that they would have helped me. I just couldn’t admit that I needed help and didn’t ask for it clearly.
It cost me opportunities that could have changed the course of my life.
The year I turned 50 was also the year mortgage lending, along with my company, went bust. I was depressed, humiliated, and bordering on brokenness.
I tentatively asked around, but no one knew the truth: I needed help. Money had been siphoning out, and it was running low.
I kept up my facade that all was ok when it wasn’t. Far from it.
If only I had talked honestly to a few people, I see in retrospect that they would have helped me. I just couldn’t admit that I needed help and didn’t ask for it clearly.
It cost me opportunities that could have changed the course of my life.
It’s a behavior that many entrepreneurs possess, especially those starting out. You might ask for advice about naming your company or how your logo looks, but as far as substantive questions, most entrepreneurs are fearful of sharing them.
What It’s Costing You
Networking
You’re missing out on meeting new people who could you because you don’t put your needs out there.
Intimacy
Being vulnerable with friends and colleagues creates deeper bonds. Some important relationships won’t go beyond the surface if you’re reluctant to share.
Losing out on opportunities and networking means losing out on business. It keeps you small.
What It Really Cost Me
I was completely and thoroughly exhausted. Putting up a front is extremely tiring — being someone I wasn’t. I was exhausted because I thought I had to do everything myself. And that’s what I did.
Finally, I Asked For Help
It was in my early 50s when I realized what a lifetime of not asking for help cost me. Dearly. I opened myself up. When I changed careers and asked someone (I didn’t know well) for an introduction to a CEO of an organization I wanted to work with, she gladly did it.
I stopped caring about what people thought, and in times when I needed help or advice, friends and colleagues came through.
Asking for help can hasten the solution and boost your company’s growth in ways you never imagined.
You Don’t Have To Make This Mistake!
If you’re just starting out in a new business or a new career, make sure you know how to ask for help — and then do it.
“Asking for help is hard, but others want to help more than we often give them credit for,” says Stanford University social psychologist Xuan Zhao. She also said,
We shy away from asking for help because we don’t want to bother other people, assuming that our request will feel like an inconvenience to them. But oftentimes, the opposite is true: People want to make a difference in people’s lives, and they feel good — happy even — when they are able to help others.
From my experience, I devised the 6 Rules of Asking for Help.
6 Rules of Asking for Help
- Tell your friend or colleague you want to talk privately with them. Talking to them on the way out of a Chamber of Commerce meeting is not the right forum to ask for help. Setting up a time and place to meet creates significance to the meeting.
- Briefly explain your circumstances. Stay away from blaming, and take responsibility for the circumstances you caused. Owning up is an important part of asking for help. Let your friend/colleague know the steps you’ve already taken to help yourself.
- Make a specific ask of the person. Without specificity, no one can really help you. You must be clear about what you ask the person to do for you. Might it be to introduce you to someone to help your business? Make your ask short and specific. Include the timeframe you’re working within.
- Let the person know the difference their help would make in your life. This helps to solidify the reason for them to help you. It also makes the helper feel good about what they’re doing.
- Thank them. Again and again. Write them a hand-written thank you card. Let them know how their help changed your life. And, if things didn’t transpire as you thought they would, thank them anyway for what they did.
- Don’t take it personally. It could be the person you ask for help isn’t in a position — for whatever reason — to help you. Be gracious, and let it go. That no might actually mean not now. So move on with your day.
You’re going to make lots of mistakes as you go through life. I continue to make mistakes — although I hope they aren’t the same ones. Make your mistakes count so you don’t make them again. New ones are always waiting around the corner!
Being able to ask for help is one of the hardest things to do, especially for entrepreneurs. We’re used to fending for ourselves, figuring it out independently, and getting things done. Plus, somewhere deep down, we feel unworthy. That we should have all the answers.
I learned to think, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Someone says, “No, I can’t help you.” Big deal. Move on with the day.
Bringing someone else into your circle when it’s not perfect opens you up.
It’s scary.
But I’ve learned that asking for help is one of the best things I can do for myself. What about you?
Try it, and let me know how it goes for you.
